Existential Crisis
One of the things that often happens when someone is clearing old memories of trauma is a sudden feeling of emptiness inside. Of feeling something is missing if they let go of the trauma. Of feeling they will not know who they are any longer.
“Who will I be if I let this go?”
“You can’t take this away from me or I’ll have nothing.”
“If I let this go there will be a big hole in me.”
This is an existential crisis.
This can happen because we define ourselves based on our life experiences. If those experiences have been detrimental and/or traumatizing, and happen repeatedly, our personality is a result of those experiences. The foundation of our experience and definition of ourselves is shaken. It can feel like the bottom will drop out from under us. Even though the change is exactly what we have always wanted. It is just that our fantasy of how things will change is not in alignment with who we really are.
If we are brought up by parents who live from their authenticity, who were mentored to live from who they really are and supported to really step into their innate gifts and capacities, then we would receive the same kind of upbringing. It used to be that the grandparents did most of the child raising since the parents were out making a living. Which worked out really well since the grandparents had a lot more life experience and had worked through much of their youthful challenges. Grandparents usually had the capacity to see the bigger picture.
Now a days kids often do not have grandparents around and are cared for by strangers. Some of those strangers may have some good skills and some just need a job and are not well versed in the intricacies of child rearing. Very often very young with little experience.
There are many very important foundational developments that occur starting in utero up through teen years. These developments build either a stable or unstable foundation for life.
If you have had little in the way of positive, or even neutral experiences growing up, then you are missing some key internal resources.
In EMDR therapy this is something we recognized and made adaptations to the model. We added Phase 2, Preparation and Stabilization. We identify what kind of internal resources someone has and what needs to be built in for the person to successfully reprocess traumatic memories. This is particularly crucial for those who have had extensive traumatic experiences.
I think of this phase as assessing for, and if needed, as building a core stable foundation so that the bottom won’t drop out from underneath the person. And they can let go of the old experiences that they have defined themselves from, in a limiting way.
It is even more exciting when someone can let go of the old and just observe their natural state arise spontaneously and fill in the gap. I love helping clients identify who they really are, before the trauma and conditioning, then strengthening who they really are so they can feel more core stability before taking on reprocessing traumatic material.
It is actually a good thing when someone reaches the crucial point of redefining themselves from Truth rather than the lies and limitations that arise from trauma, neglect and so on. It is not comfortable when it arises, but it is a good indicator that major progress is about to happen.
Doing good internal resource building prior to reprocessing traumatic material lays good groundwork for this transition when it arises. The resources are available to slide in and take the place of the traumatic experiences. People often have impressive improvement in Phase 2 before moving to the reprocessing phases. And those resources become even more available as the trauma is resolved.
If you have had the experience of being afraid you will not know who you are if you let the trauma go, there was nothing wrong. It was just an indicator you were leaving the old definitions of self, based on trauma, neglect, etc. and stepping into who you really are. You just need the help and support to make the transition.